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Posted on May 26, 2010 at 9:14 PM

A close friend recently suggested that people who make inappropriate remarks on social networking websites should be ‘junk-punched.’


When I was in junior high, the overwhelmingly favorite activity we did in PE was field hockey. We were given large hooked wooden sticks. These sticks were supposed to be used to hit a ball around a field. Instead we used them to lacerate each other’s balls. The devices were usually hooked between the legs of your former best friend. Once carefully and quietly placed there, the handle was violently pulled back, with all the gravitational thrust an eighty-pound boy could muster, thus ‘raunching’ your hapless victim.


The sticks were confiscated after a short time, because PE was supposed to be about interaction, exercise, and team-building, not about writhing 12 year olds strewn haplessly about a field of dead winter grass, clutching their swollen sacks. The taking of the sticks didn’t stop the practice however. Any implement would do, with the fist being the most convenient and immediately effective.


Sometimes, other people just want to punch your junk, and usually for good reason. I’ll explain if you’ll be quiet. Let’s say you’ve met someone you’re interested in. Things seem to be going well, and you don’t want to make a personal or social faux pas by saying something out of sorts or characteristically stupid. You arrive at your date’s place of residence to take her out for a night at an elegant four hour Puccini opera. After you see her outfit, suddenly the true you emerges in one horrible sentence when you blurt out: “Do me a solid cause dat dress is absoludicrous! I posilutely gotta give ya props, aaiight!” Just as you realize that she now knows you’re a pretending-to-love-opera slang-jargon speaking asshole, she compounds your sudden turn of fortune by kicking you right in the man jewels. The date is over, and so are your hopes of future procreation.


I told my friend that I have protected my junk for years with the Macco Industries Super Turbo XJ 17 Junk Protector, which is their 2002 model. Most of its components are a secret but I can tell you that the device contains a polymeric layer of “graphite encased carbon filament glucosamine.” And what better material to protect your junk when your junk needs protecting from those who would wish to do it malicious junk harm.


After I showed this same friend some candid modeling shots of me in my junk protection apparatus, the friend said “So, you're pretty much carting a tank around in your pants? Nice. Do they come in olive drab?” I replied they only come in fluorescent red, to ward off any potential attack. When they see that color, well hell, they’ve been warned haven’t they? A full retaliatory package strike would then be wholly justified.


The famous scientist and one-baller Isaac Newton formulated three laws of motion, with number three stating: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Newton understood that the force from a fully extended male shin, combined with the blunt force nad rupturing trauma of a hob-nailed boot into the wholly unprotected crotchal region of an assailant, former best friend, or wanna-be paramour would create an equal and opposite reaction.


This spasmodic episode would include fruitless gasping for air, multiple screamed swear words, and the promise of revenge-filled retaliation later via either the aforementioned fist or leaded brick. The subsequent repeated attacks by the parties would ensue, culminating in the even more dreadful Mutually Assured Junk Destruction (BLUEBALLS). Then a truce would be called and everyone would go have ice cream until the next day when the sophomoric melee would start all over again.


Newton himself never punched another man’s prize, but he did invent calculus which was the rough equivalent of punching the mental junk of millions of teenaged boys for the next four hundred years or so.


So todays’ question is: How safe is your junk? How often have you considered your junk’s security? If you’re like me, you take the safety of your junk for granted. When you go to bed at night, do you at least have the comfort and security of knowing that your junk will be safe while you slumber? Too many lose their junk each year, whether it is to farming implement accidents, deviant friends, or even the neighbor’s poodle, Jerry.


In the old days, we would just cover ourselves with our hands. Now I walk around wearing chain mail. Junk protection is a serious matter. Or you could just stop saying stupid things to the opposite sex in chat rooms and writer’s forums.

Categories: Dom Macchiaroli, Short Story

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Reply Phil Neale
6:13 AM on May 27, 2010 
We need silliness like this, and you are one of the best expounders of the art that I've read.

Always get a smile from reading your stuff.
Reply El Roi' Jackson
9:50 PM on May 27, 2010 
Enjoyed the read and Phil is right I had quite a few good belly laughs.
great Job my friend.
Reply Russell
9:43 PM on May 31, 2010 
...On top of spaghetti ,,,all covered in cheese..I lost my poor meatball..when somebody sneezed.

The Macco Industries Super Turbo XJ 17 Junk Protector. Is that basically a cup? Do they come in extra extra large? Ya know, I have never really thought of the safety of my junk. Since it pretty much stays quiet and out of trouble I have found no reason for protection. Though I did get carried away one night when I was left alone. Hey, fun story. We have all been there with blue-balls. and it aint fun.