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A Bitter Pill

Posted on August 25, 2010 at 4:38 AM

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This one isn't one of mine, but I found it so funny, that sharing seemed the only option.................






1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close its mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat’s throat.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in the end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, and drink large glass of water to take away bad taste. Apply sticking plaster to spouse’s forearm, and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto cat’s neck to leave the head showing. Force cat’s mouth open with dessert spoon. Shoot pill down cat’s throat with rubber band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Discard blood-soaked T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Get heavy duty gardening gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with adjustable spanner. Push pill into cat’s mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold cat’s head vertically, and pour a pint of cold water down cat’s throat to wash pill down.


14. Get spouse to drive you to A & E; sit quietly while doctor stitches wounds in fingers and forearm, and removes pill fragments from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Categories: Humor, Short Story, Phil Neale

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1 Comment

Reply C.M. Marcum
12:36 PM on August 26, 2010