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NOIR, Chapter 1

Posted on August 25, 2010 at 11:30 AM


Sadistic. Yeah. That's a word for it. That's a good word for it. Deriving pleasure from someone else's pain. Yeah... sadistic. That's a real good word for it. Perverted? That depends. That depends on where you were born, when you were born, who raised ya. All that culture mumbojumbo. What makes a man or dame. Yeah, that kinda garbage.

So, yeah, sadistic. That's definitely a good word for it. She is one sadistic dame. A very, very sadistic dame. All this time I thought she was in love with me. What a crock. What a shame. What a dud I turned out to be. Can't even tell the good dames from the bad anymore. Maybe I deserve it.


She was good to look at though. I'll give her that. Real good to look at. I remember the first time I saw her she was wearing a red dress, heels, sporting a black purse and that long and wavy blond hair. She had quite a package and she knew it. She knew it and she used it. She walked me right into it and I came with my tail wagging and drooling from the mouth. A real dog.

But I was a loyal dog. That's one new trick she taught this old dog. Loyalty. Ha, loyalty to a dame. Never thought I'd fall prey. But... I did.


So, here I am. Sitting. Waiting. Bleeding. Slowly bleeding. My life draining. My life ending. By the time I saw what she was, I was in so deep there was no reaching the surface again. And she did it. She did it. She took the money, kissed the crook and away they went. But not without saying goodbye. She knows her manners, she just doesn't know the proper way to put it. They tied me down and took turns.


The pieces of bamboo jammed underneath my fingernails was pretty creative; I gotta hand it to her there. And it hurt. But, not as bad as when they sawed my toes off. Now that... that hurt. And oddly enough, they cooked and ate a few right in front of me. So, yeah, sadistic.


Then there was the rusty nails. Ah, the rusty nails. They hammered rusty nails into my body. Anywhere. Anywhere you can imagine, I got one or two. So even if I do survive this, I won't survie the diseases they left me. They weren't much into sterilizing. I guess when you know the outcome in the beginning, there isn't much point now is there.


Let's see, what else? Ah, yes, they ironed my skin. Didn't want me being all wrinkled for the mortician I guess. He's got feelings, too, apparently. A little judgmental of those who grace his table. Didn't want to be ashamed to be fondling my naked, wrinkled skin. Everybody has their limits. Gotta draw a line somewhere, I guess. How considerate of them to think of him. How considerate indeed.


I'm having a hard time remembering everything they did to me. After a while you stop keeping track, because you realize you're not gonna live through it. The hair! Ah, the hair. They scalped me. I wasn't a big fan of that one. But you get the point; I'm pretty dinged up. Got a few dents in the old motorcade. I eventually realized the longer I lived, the more pleasure they got. So, at least for spite, I stopped thinking of surviving and started thinking of dying. Just so I could upset them a little bit. But... apparently, my body can put up with a lot. In the end, they ran out of ideas and left me for dead.


The last thing they did before they left was they added a little salt to my injuries. And I mean that literally. They seasoned me well and then they went on their way. So, yeah, sadistic is a good word for it. It was all planned. From the beginning. From when I first saw her walking into the cafe. From the moment she introduced herself. It was all part of the plot.


It was sadistic alright. Real sadistic.

Categories: Book, Crime & Mystery, Nathan Weaver

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Reply Phil Neale
3:41 AM on August 26, 2010 
This is nothing like any of your earlier stuff.

Found it morbidly rivetting, and a great teaser into what MUST be a pacy, pathological thriller.

As hooks go, this was a sharp one, and it had barbs at the end too.
Reply Admin Frank
10:39 AM on August 26, 2010 
Glad you think so, Phil. I've got the first 7 chapters written, though not real satisfied with the 7th. I've been sitting on the 7th chapter for like two years, having difficulty finding the time and motivation to finish it. Even though, I have the last 4 or so chapters mapped out and ready to go. Should probably finish it, eh?
Reply C.M. Marcum
7:45 PM on August 26, 2010 
The hurried footstep
is the sound of fear.
The hasty word
is the belly of hunger.
Who dare rush forward?
Who dare critique a king?
Who dare not?

Okay, I'm hooked. I want'a hear the rest. I can't imagine where this is going, and I got a big imagination. The iron was especially creepy. Literally gave me the shivers. I see why you wrote in the past tense. Present tense would have been really gruesome.

I'd like to see you add: Nature or nurture. Genetics or environment. All that mumbo- jumbo.
The term 'dame' is dated, but maybe you are going for an old fashioned, quasi Sam Spade affect. I haven't read one of those in a long time and I've missed them. could be a good niche.
Instead of saying: She walked me right into it. Maybe: I walked right into it. (more active.)
It hurt, but not as bad as

The line: I got one or two. I didn't quite get that. Do you mean the MC saved some of the nails so that he could...'give' them back to her. If so, why not all of the nails. If so, you could establish the MC's motive in one sentence. Plus that idea is especially provocative.

i can't wait for the rest. Where they torturing hims just for fun or where they trying to get information out of him. If so, he must be protecting something really awesome.
Reply jipper
10:05 PM on August 26, 2010 
A little repetitive at the beginning but it drives the sadistic tag home.
Would be good to know why the torture is going on, but it is sadistic.
Ran out of ideas? They either planned to kill you or they didn't, anyone that sadist-like is gonna have plenty of ideas to keep the fun going.

ps~ I only read this because you're the boss man....jk

Reply George Spelvin
5:57 PM on August 27, 2010 
I waited to insert a coment for this. I agree with the idea that the beginning is repetitious, due to the dwelling upon sadistic.

There are other repetitions that seem rather dull. For example, the part about the rusty nails. Rather than just repeat the words, why not make the second reference take a deeper look at them, such as the brown, oxidized crusted nails.

How about "The pieces of bamboo WERE pretty creative?

Also why not--I'm having a hard time remembering everything they did. After a while you don't keep track, because you realize you're not gonna live. I have a problem with gerunds, and rarely use them myself. Think you could shorten this up and have it move along more quickly.

Reply Admin Frank
1:21 PM on August 30, 2010 
Glad you guys like it, thus far.

I'm aiming for that old film noir, hardboil narrative, so it does sound a bit repetitive sometimes, drags on, and I do use some severely outdated slang in this piece. It's a fun tribute in the making to the old school stuff.
Reply Jake Cesarone
4:55 PM on October 20, 2010 
Finally getting around to reading this series. Very good stuff so far, and it definitely makes me wonder where it is going.

I don't think the repetitiveness is necessary to achieve the noir feeling. The slang, the dark concepts, the bitterness, and the introspection are all you really need.